SEFAKOR…

I never felt worthy of love. So I stayed. It hurt really bad because it showed a future that was no longer available to me.

I turned 18 in university, I’ll never forget because it marked the beginning of the rest of my life. After so many bad experiences that I’ll forever be ashamed to admit, I met someone. We were introduced by a mutual, got acquainted and started dating the next semester after that. It was a whirlwind romance if you ask me. Young, excited and so eager to be loved, if ever I even understood what that word meant. There were so many signs we both ignored. I did not ignore them, I knew what it meant and I thought I was an exception to the rule. Perhaps, I was not confident enough to realize that I could have walked away and still be fine, be me.

Things were not great from the start. I would love to go into details. However, a part of me wouldn’t want to put anyone’s business out there. But being with someone who loves the idea of you and not YOU, eventually strips you off of your dignity, self esteem, confidence and essentially your voice. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been a quiet person, still am. It got so bad, I started self isolating. To outsiders, everything looked good, but inside, I was self destructing and I was too ashamed to ask for help, or maybe I did not want to stand against someone I once loved and stand up for myself, so I stayed.

Five years with the same person, and one day you wake up and realize you may have been the other woman the entire time. I did not realize the same person who saw me turn 19, 20, 21, 22 and almost 23 would let go so easily, but I thank God they did. The problems started to intensify, then came the abuse. But I still stayed. 

One event that will forever stay with me; Starbites, 2020. A text popped up on his phone, very vulgar text, from his ‘ex’. Phone in my hand but he snatched I so fast, the glass broke, drink spilled everywhere. But I had no tears to cry. I had no tears left to cry because I wasted them on picking myself up after being shoved into a wall during an argument. Or being slapped across the face constantly because I spoke to another man after class. See it wasn’t just physical, the verbal abuse hurt a lot more, they cut deep. Eventually I lost my confidence and believed I really wasn’t worth it. To make matters worse, the rumors started; ‘You’ve been sleeping around’. I could not defend myself because it meant I was going to get hit if I said the wrong thing.

2021, November. The year i finally checked out. Another argument broke, we went back and forth, I finally found my voice. I was on my way to work, and he struck me across the face, so many times and he landed a very fatal slap that will cost my hearing. I went to work, bleeding out of my left ear. Yet again, i could not tell anyone because where exactly was i supposed to start from. I still stayed, but i decided i needed to get away from them. So I left, a whole new continent, but we were still together. While going through the darkest moment, he found someone else, got engaged publicly and again, I got burned.

Here is where it gets interesting, they blamed me for his outburst, ‘If you hadn’t cheated, he wouldn’t have had to put hands on you’. I did not cheat. I stayed loyal for 5 years amid the chaos and craziness.

No one prepares you for how to deal with stuff like that. No one prepares you for when reality hits that the person you loved did not actually love you back. No one prepares you for how to deal with being disappointed in yourself for going through so much. Mind you, I grew up in a very loving home. One thing my mother made sure we had was the confidence, head held high. So I did fail her, and my sister too.

Two years down the line, almost three; I did not have any love to give anyone, neither did I have it to receive that love. I cut off almost everyone, joined the military, hoping I would put to rest that very gory part of my life. It never goes away; it always comes rushing back to you. Even after finishing top of my class in every military school, there’s something missing. Something that was snatched from me which I will never be capable of recovering.

This is not a cry for help, nor is it to garner pity. This is to kickstart what I always loved to do; WRITE. No, I do not want to press charges, no, I will not put anyone’s name out there. But, if you have a chance to read this, check on your friends who suddenly self-isolate. It’s always in the EYES. ‘THE EYES NEVER LIE’.

DISCLAIMER: No names were mentioned, nor likeness was insinuated, but if the shoe fits, put it on, Cinderella.